🪰 The Vampire Diaries: We Need to Talk About the Mystic Falls Murder Rate

It’s October, so that means I’ve been binge-watching The Vampire Diaries, and while everybody else is busy worrying about whether Elena should choose Stefan or Damon, I’ve become really concerned about something way more disturbing…

The absolutely catastrophic murder rate in Mystic Falls, Virginia.

Seriously, has anybody looked into this?

We’re talkin’ about a charming little American town with beautiful historic homes, friendly neighborhood restaurants, festive community gatherings, and an absolutely staggering number of residents who end up murdered, drained of blood, decapitated, or mysteriously discovered dead in the woods. Remember that camping couple? The guy ended up dead in a tree.

And yet, nobody seemed all that concerned.

Every other episode, somebody’s attending another funeral, lighting candles at a vigil, or standing around looking devastated because yet another member of their graduating class has been violently slaughtered.

At this point, the local florist must be a billionaire.

And apparently, the writers understood how ridiculous this was, because the show occasionally pokes fun at Mystic Falls’ seemingly endless supply of dead people and absurdly over-the-top shindigs.

But seriously, I got curious about the death rate.

Just how dangerous IS Mystic Falls compared with the rest of America?

So, in the spirit of Halloween and completely unnecessary investigative journalism, I decided it was time to crunch some numbers.

And folks, we have a serious public safety situation on our hands.

WELCOME TO MYSTIC FALLS! PLEASE UPDATE YOUR WILL…

According to the town’s population sign in the first season of The Vampire Diaries, Mystic Falls has approximately 6,923 residents.

That’s a pretty small town.

The kind of place where everybody knows everybody, the local diner remembers your order, and the mayor probably recognizes your beater car with the broken taillight.

Unfortunately, it’s also the kind of place where your high school history teacher might be a vampire hunter, your boyfriend could be 170 years old, and your neighbor might casually remove somebody’s heart during an argument.

You’d think this would affect property values and all those fancy town balls, right? Nope.

Apparently, historic charm and decent schools are enough to keep the real estate market alive and kickin’.

Well, relatively alive…

Anyway, here’s where my investigation gets interesting.

Fans have actually attempted to tally the staggering number of deaths throughout the show’s eight seasons, with some counts going over 120 dead bodies.

And that’s before we get into the truly complicated accounting problems involving vampires, werewolves, witches, ghosts, and people who have the audacity to die more than once.

But for this little investigation, we’re going to use 120 deaths across eight years as a hypothetical baseline.

I realize that’s an imperfect calculation, but considering we’re investigating a fictional town where people routinely return from the dead, I think we can allow ourselves a little creative statistical flexibility.

So, let’s see what happens when we put Mystic Falls under the microscope.

THE NUMBERS ARE ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING

Our fictional little town has 6,923 residents.

Using 120 murders over eight years gives us an average of approximately 15 murders every year.

That might not sound particularly shocking until you remember how tiny Mystic Falls actually is.

When we adjust for population, the town’s hypothetical annual killing rate comes out to approximately:

217 deaths per 100,000 residents.

Now let’s compare that with America’s actual murder rate.

According to FBI statistics, the United States recorded approximately 5.3 murders per 100,000 people in 2017, the year The Vampire Diaries ended.

Which brings us to a truly spectacular conclusion….

MYSTIC FALLS HAS A KILLING RATE ROUGHLY 41 TIMES THE NATIONAL MURDER RATE.

FORTY-ONE TIMES!

And nobody has called a town hall meeting? What the hell is going on?

I realize we’re mixing a fan-estimated supernatural body count with actual FBI homicide statistics, and the show’s eight seasons don’t necessarily represent eight calendar years. Our fictional calculation is hardly going to survive peer review.

But that’s beside the point… I am bored and having fun, get over it.

Mystic Falls is apparently one of the worst places in America to have a pulse.

And somehow, the town’s biggest concerns involve who’s bringing refreshments to the next community fundraiser.

THE MYSTIC FALLS FUNERAL INDUSTRY MUST BE BOOMING!

Can we please discuss the sheer number of candlelight vigils these people attend?

I’ve been watching the show, and I swear every time somebody gets a decent night’s sleep, they’re immediately awakened by news that another friend, relative, teacher, or casual acquaintance has been brutally murdered.

And then out come the candles.

Again…

Honestly, I’d love to know how much the average Mystic Falls household spends annually on votive candles and funeral attire. Forget investing in real estate. I’d be buying stock in whatever company supplies the town’s funeral homes.

And think about the poor funeral director… you try planning your weekend BBQ when half your customers keep coming back from the dead. Imagine having to ask this question on a daily basis: “Would you prefer a traditional burial, cremation, or should we just hold onto the paperwork for a few days?”

Because in Mystic Falls, death seems to have a very flexible return policy.

Of course, some characters die permanently, others return through supernatural loopholes, and a few manage to experience death so frequently that their loved ones barely have time to finish grieving before they’re back in the kitchen making coffee.

I’d stop buying sympathy cards for grieving family members. Or maybe in Mystic Falls they have a Hallmark store with an entire section labeled “Sorry You Died Again.”

And the vigil candles!

Good Lord, the candles…

I’m convinced Mystic Falls accounts for a significant percentage of America’s annual candle consumption.

A TRIBUTE TO THE PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T MAKE IT

Now, before we continue our investigation, I found a video that perfectly illustrates the complete insanity of the Mystic Falls mortality problem.

Over eight seasons, The Vampire Diaries delivered an impressive collection of gruesome murders, heartbreaking goodbyes, supernatural sacrifices, and deaths that left fans screaming at their televisions.

This video revisits many of those unfortunate departures, ranking them from the least upsetting to the most devastating.

And if you’re a fan, watching them all together is just glorious.

Honestly, I’m amazed anybody had time to develop romantic relationships between all the funerals.

Fair warning for newbies: The video contains major spoilers, including character deaths from later seasons and the finale.

Take a look at this spectacular parade of tragedy.

SOME OF THESE PEOPLE NEED A FREQUENT-DYER CARD

I think we can all agree that Mystic Falls has an unusually complicated relationship with death.

And the really funny part is how many characters manage to die, return, disappear into some supernatural dimension, and eventually wander back into town like they’ve just returned from a long weekend at Disney.

Poor Jeremy Gilbert… this kid has experienced enough brushes with death to make a really seasoned emergency room doctor shake in his scrubs.

And Alaric?

Good grief…

Somebody needs to sit that man down and explain that dying isn’t supposed to be an extracurricular activity.

The supernatural resurrection business also creates a rather serious problem for our murder investigation.

How exactly does Mystic Falls calculate its annual death rate when half the deceased refuse to stay dead?

Do they issue amended death certificates?

Is somebody responsible for notifying Social Security when a resident comes back?

Imagine the paperwork involved.

And heaven help the local insurance companies.

WHO THE HELL IS RUNNING THIS TOWN?

Now that we’ve established Mystic Falls has a rather alarming problem with keeping its residents alive, I think it’s time we examine the local government.

Because somebody is clearly asleep at the wheel.

Let’s start with the Founders’ Council.

For those who haven’t watched the show, the council is a group of prominent local families who are aware of the town’s supernatural history and have taken it upon themselves to protect the community.

Sounds reassuring…

Except their track record makes the security team at Jurassic Park look like whiz kids.

Think about it… these people know vampires exist, they know their town has a long, bloody history involving supernatural creatures, and yet their number one priority is organizing elaborate community celebrations.

The Founders’ Day celebration. The Miss Mystic Falls Pageant. Historical festivities. Fancy balls.

Apparently, the best way to combat a centuries-old vampire infestation is to gather several hundred potential victims in one convenient location and provide refreshments.

What could possibly go wrong?

I’d love to attend one of these planning meetings.

“Okay, everybody, we’ve had six suspicious deaths this month, three people are missing, and somebody found another body in the woods. Anyway, has anyone finalized the decorations for Saturday’s square dance?”

And the truly hilarious thing is how often these elaborate town parties turn into supernatural disasters.

You’d think somebody would eventually suggest canceling the annual gala.

Or at least hiring better security.

But nope.

Mystic Falls residents are determined to celebrate their historic little town, even if they have to step over a corpse or two to get to the punch bowl.

THE SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT HAS SOME EXPLAINING TO DO

Now, to be honest here, I have a soft spot for Sheriff Liz Forbes.

She’s dealing with shit that would send most police officers sprinting into immediate retirement.

But from a purely administrative perspective, we need to ask some questions.

How many unsolved murders does this department have?

How many missing persons reports?

And what exactly are they writing on these police reports?

Cause of death: Neck snapped.

Suspect: Extremely attractive man, approximately 25 years old, possibly born during the Civil War.

Additional notes: Witnesses claim suspect disappeared at an unusually high rate of speed.

Imagine being the FBI agent assigned to review Mystic Falls’ crime statistics.

You’d have to figure that some numbnuts made a catastrophic data-entry error.

Then you’d drive into town, grab lunch at the Mystic Grill, and discover that half the people sitting at the bar have personally murdered somebody.

At that point, I’d probably request a transfer to Detroit.

THE MYSTIC GRILL: WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME AND HALF YOUR SECRETS

Speaking of the Mystic Grill, can we talk about this place?

Because I swear it’s the only restaurant in America where you can grab a burger, get into a fight with a vampire, discover somebody’s dark family secret, and witness a violent confrontation before the appetizer arrives.

And somehow, people keep coming back.

I guess the fries must be incredible.

Think about how much drama has unfolded in that restaurant.

You’d assume the management would eventually install a metal detector, hire armed security, or at least put up a little sign reminding customers that ripping out someone’s heart is discouraged.

But this is Mystic Falls, where supernatural violence is apparently just part of the dining experience.

And poor Matt Donovan…

That guy’s spent an astonishing amount of time surrounded by vampires, witches, werewolves, and people making spectacularly terrible decisions.

Frankly, Matt deserves some kind of federal hazard pay for continuing to live and work in this town.

Or at least give this kid unlimited mozzarella sticks.

WHY DOES ANYBODY STILL LIVE HERE?

This is the question that keeps bothering me.

At what point does the average Mystic Falls family decide they’ve had enough?

Imagine sitting around the dinner table with your wife or hubby…

“Honey, I was thinking we should consider moving.”

“Why?”

“Well, our neighbors were murdered, the history teacher disappeared, somebody found another body near the cemetery, and I’m pretty sure our daughter’s boyfriend drinks human blood.”

“Yes, but the schools are excellent.”

ARE THEY? REALLY??

Because from what I’ve seen, Mystic Falls High School seems to have a rather unfortunate problem with students and faculty members dying before graduation.

And yet these kids still manage to attend school dances, play sports, worry about their love lives, and participate in remarkably elaborate extracurricular activities.

I’m starting to think the town’s educational motto should be:

“Preparing Students for the Future, Assuming They Have One.”

And what about parents considering relocating to Mystic Falls?

You’d think a quick Google search would raise some very serious questions.

“Beautiful historic Virginia town, excellent community spirit, charming restaurants, and an unusually high number of residents who were found dead under suspicious circumstances.”

Maybe the housing prices are just really good? Or perhaps the town has discovered the secret to keeping property taxes low… after all, it’s pretty hard to collect taxes from people who keep getting murdered.

THE WRITERS KNEW EXACTLY HOW RIDICULOUS THIS WAS

One of the things I’ve noticed while watching The Vampire Diaries all these years and years now is that the show occasionally seems perfectly aware of how absurd its own body count has become.

And I love that.

The characters have experienced so much supernatural chaos that their reactions to death can sometimes feel almost comically casual.

There’s a peculiar normalcy to the way these people discuss vampires, resurrection, murder, and supernatural curses.

For most Americans, discovering that your boyfriend has murdered several people would probably be a relationship-ending moment.

In Mystic Falls, it might lead to a tense conversation, some dramatic music, and an extremely passionate kiss.

Honestly, the romantic standards in this town are fascinating.

“He’s sweet, handsome, protective, and occasionally murders innocent people when he’s in a bad mood.”

Well, sheesh… nobody’s perfect, Elena.

And that’s part of what makes the show so entertaining for me. The writers created this absurd world where death is simultaneously heartbreaking, horrifying, and also just another Tuesday.

They manage to kill beloved characters, bring people back, break our hearts, and still convince us to care deeply about the same bunch of supernatural lunatics all over again.

It’s ridiculous.

And I can’t stop watching.

MYSTIC FALLS NEEDS AN INTERVENTION

After conducting this completely unnecessary investigation, I’ve come to the conclusion that Mystic Falls is in desperate need of some outside help.

A murder rate approximately 41 times the national average, based on our delightfully questionable calculations, should probably warrant at least a phone call to the governor.

And the Founders’ Council needs a serious performance review. Also, the Sheriff’s Department could use a few additional officers, preferably ones who understand that some criminals can move faster than the speed of sound.

And somebody needs to introduce the local residents to the concept of moving. Is there a U-Haul in Mystic Falls? Maybe we should start there.

Because there’s absolutely no reason to keep raising your family in a town where attending a school dance is less dangerous than swimming with hungry sharks.

But here’s what makes The Vampire Diaries so much fun…

Despite the murders, supernatural disasters, endless funerals, and the bottomless supply of candles, Mystic Falls remains this charming, nostalgic little American town.

People fall in love, make lifelong friendships, attend community celebrations, and fight desperately to protect the people they care about.

And even though we know the whole thing is completely ridiculous, we keep coming back for more.

Which probably says something about us, too.

I mean, let’s be real… I’ve spent the better part of my evening investigating the crime statistics of a town that doesn’t even exist.

And I’m having a wonderful time, how ’bout you?

So, this Halloween, if you’re like me and planning to revisit The Vampire Diaries, spare a thought for the poor residents of Mystic Falls. They’ve endured more supernatural murders, candlelight vigils, and tragic funerals than any small American town should have to tolerate.

And yet, there’s always another dance, another handsome vampire to fall in love with, and another mysterious death to investigate.